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Two-Year-Old Golden Retriever Up For Bids, part 1

by Merlajean Gartland

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Answers (when she feels like it) to ‘Toast’ and/or ‘Bad Dog’.

She is the perfect dog if you can live with the following:

You can never go anywhere because:

--You cannot put her in a crate or she will throw herself from side to side so that, when you let her out, she limps and you’ll have to take her to the vet who wants to call in an orthopedic surgeon.

--If you decide to crate her anyway she will be so nervous that she will drool so much that it requires bathing her and washing out the crate when you get home. (This can be especially annoying if you have a day when you are in and out.)

--If you leave her in the bathroom she will unroll the toilet paper, pull out the Kleenex, and chew up the bath mat and towels.

--If you leave her in your bedroom, she will rip up your blinds, even if they are new.

--If you leave her on the deck, she will 'let herself in' by barging through the screen on an open window.

--If you leave her in the garage she will frantically claw at the door to the house, scratching it and taking the paint off.

--If you leave her in the garage anyway she will chew through all the knots of the rope that you’ve used to tie the boat’s tarp on with. More than once. She will also chew the pull/starter handle off the lawnmower making the rope disappear into the mower. Again, more than once.

--You can’t leave her with your sister-in-law for the weekend because, while she’s hanging freshly washed clothes in the basement, she’ll see something dripping on them from upstairs. She’ll go up to see that the dog has peed. She will say ‘Never again’.

You cannot have company because:

--She jumps on people which annoys adults and terrifies kids.

-- If you hug someone, she will wedge her body between you.

--If you boil a chicken to use in a casserole, and set it out to cool while you go touch-up the guest room, you will come back and find the bird on the floor with both leg/thigh portions and one wing missing.

--She will chew your guests’ shoes, purse, briefcase, glasses, wallets, hats/mittens/coat, sweater, cell phone, contact lenses (case and all). This gets expensive.

You cannot take her anywhere in the car because:

-- If you have to run in somewhere for just a minute, a woman will run in the store a few seconds later yelling that someone’s dog just crawled out of a sun roof (which, being the good dog owner that you are, you have left open for fresh air), walked all over the car and is now tearing around the parking lot.

--If you close the sun roof ¾ of the way and go back into the store, a boy will come running in yelling that someone’s dog just crawled out of a sun roof, walked all over the car and is now tearing around the parking lot.

--If you run into the library to return a book you will come back to find the driver’s seat and steering wheel covered with anxious “I-thought-you-were-never-coming-back” drool. (Read more on Part 2)


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