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Two-Year-Old Golden Retriever Up For Bids, part 2

by Merlajean Gartland

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Our dog, Toast, is the perfect dog if you can live with the following:


You can’t leave her in the yard alone because:

--She will chew all the branches off from the bushes and then do it again when you’ve replaced them with new bushes.

--She will incessantly bark at anything that looks different: the garbage can is at the end of the drive-way, the sprinkler is on, the neighbor’s sprinkler is on.

--If the battery to the electric fence dies, she will sense it immediately and take off on a tour of your neighbor's back yards, gardens and garages. An hour later, when she wants to come back into the house, she will sit in the middle of the street and bark. She doesn’t want to pass over the electric fence and get buzzed. (She has forgotten that the electric fence doesn’t work.)

--She will dig.

If you take her to Obedience School:

--She will behave marvelously at home when you have food. If you are not inside your own house and do not have food, she will look at you like you’re speaking Greek.

--She will follow no commands while at class. She will just bark, bark, and bark to let you know that she wants to play with the other (good) dogs.

If she needs medication:

-- You must never ever leave medication on the kitchen counter or you will be outside on the coldest day of the year with a turkey baster, hydrogen peroxide and a very reluctant dog.

--NEVER EVER take your own medication at the same time you give the dog hers or you will be confused for a few moments as you wonder why, when you take three pills, it feels like there’s only one going down the hatch and why the dog’s medication, which is in your other hand, feels like it has more than the one pill she takes. For the next week, whenever your spouse looks at you s/he will say just one word: ”Woof”!

A good dog is a tired dog, but:

--You cannot take her down to the lake to swim because, after fetching the stick only once, she will hunt for dead fish which she will give a few chomps on and then swallow whole before you have a chance to get it away from her.

--You cannot take her to the park to play fetch because, after retrieving the ball only once, she will run off chasing bunnies, which, if she catches one (and she will) she will treat the same way she treats dead fish.

-- You can never take her for a run by holding on to her leash as you bike because she will get spooked when a bag blows across the road and put on her brakes, which means you (along with your two broken ribs, concussion and huge hematoma) will get a ride to the Emergency Room in an ambulance.

You can never leave a door open in the house or she will retrieve your underwear from the hamper, pictures from your night-stand, and your computer mouse from the office.

If you let her sleep on the floor of your bedroom, you will wake up each and every morning to find her in bed with you.

Bidding starts today with an opening bid of $1.00. Bidding ends 12/31/2028. No refunds. No returns.

(PS: The next time I get a pet, it’s going to be a minnow.)

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